ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
he showed me his boner with his cell phone light during the movie.
I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
At the start of the night I was all 'come at me universe' and three hours later I was ordering an extra large pizza in bed in the dress I had gone out in. Well played universe.
I guess she fell asleep at the strip club and the other one was crying because she had a vagina in her face. Happy 21st!
How is it that I, the only one that didn't drink last night, was the only one puking out the car window?
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
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