If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Randomize
