Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
Sidenote: do you recall your "give me the d" chant
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Randomize
