you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
Heed the warning of the ghost of Oktoberfest present: German beer is soooooooo much better than our watered down children's piss. also lost all my clothes and am wearing lederhosen the rest of the trip.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
We're the worst. Two people without their shit together do not make a functional adult.
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Randomize