My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
19 Characteristics That Make People Instantly Attractive
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
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I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
A 5 day bender that ended with refusing to pay my bar tab before I left the city. I offered to send them a selfie so they knew to never let me back in.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere