I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
He just turned on a sound machine. I need to get the fuck out of here.
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college