He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.
I hate Sailor Jerry.
Cause its not a drunken adventure unless someone ends up in a pool
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
I get so many dick pics from him...He has an unhealthy obsession with his own penis...
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
Randomize
