i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
25 Facts Men Don’t Know About Women Until They Live Together
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
I knew you were blacked out when you started refusing beer.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"