Amandyke just told me shes gonna make my tongue her cum rag. i'm borderline terrified
The only reason I'm still around is so I can grow a huge Gandalf beard when my hair turns gray
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
She flashed them and they let her pay with Monopoly money. I'm married, so it is your obligation as my best man to repeatedly fuck her for me
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
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