We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
Every time you visit for the weekend I end up having to bleach my entire house after.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Dude you're fine. You're 5 minutes away from your house and you're eating fig newtons
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Being single again makes you realize how guys can go from licking your asshole one night to never texting you again
That bitch claimed that you said it was ok if she drank your vodka. Obviously she has never met you
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