Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
I'm at about main and main street
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
being pregnant is like rehab
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
I just had nipple jewelry returned to me in the law library.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Is it too much to ask to have a life partner who has both male and female sex organs that looks cute and sounds like a female Antonio Banderas and likes to get weird?
Randomize
