Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.
Thanks dad.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
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The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
Be still, my beating vagina.
At the party. I feel like I just walked into a lifesize blunt.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
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I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
You went outside, peed in the front yard, and asked me to bring you some toilet paper.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
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