Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
you were mad bc i took longer then 2 minutes to finish
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over
I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
well. can officially check "get caught having sex on the front porch by the neighbors" off the bucket list.
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Randomize
