There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
Ridin mah bike see you on the moon
I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
It's times like this I miss having my nipples pinched
I was like kind of drunk but mostly just very enthusiastic about beyonce
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I woke up at 2 AM to find them in my living room with a radio flyer wagon full of milk glass plates and a Holstein cow. How am I going to explain this to my landlord!?!
Randomize
