Skipping work because i'm still too drunk from last night still. got home at midnight and passed out in front of my door for 2 hours bc i couldn't find my key
had to call my rooommate to let us in. Passed out in my dress and found the key on my hair tie-in my hair- just now.
Ben's a prick.
What Ben are you talking about?
All the bens across all the lands
my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
If there is a god, you will have pink eye tomorrow.
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
If you have shit your pants within the past two years, please take a seat.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
