I just watched the Dark knight, Maggie Gylennhaal looks like Katie Holmes after a stroke
Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
She stared for a good 10 seconds before calling my dick "awe-inspiring", and then proceded to give me blueballs. All in all the ego boost made my night break even
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
You see it tends to piss fathers off when they find their daughter in the arms of a shirtless guy that neither he nor his daughter knows.
Well... I got her number now... I think she is a dish best served drunk
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
2020 sucks, I want a refund
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