So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
You just jumped of the couch and yelled "hidden tiger crouching dragon!" That's the answer to how you broke your finger.
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Randomize
