Is it weird if i grunt like Tim Taylor when im having sex AND grilling steaks??
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend
the creek. my friends left me at a party next thing i know im in a breaststroke relay race with a bunch of randos in the dark
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.
I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.
It's a mixed blessing.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
In the pie chart of my life, she is a huge part of why I drink.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
You’re welcome stay at my house. But, you gotta piss in the toilet
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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