I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?
Just got a free shot w my beer...it's not quite 11am yet...I love international travel. These people aren't judgmental.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
Dunno. My heart says "no", my brain says "maybe" and my dick says "YES YES FOR THE LOVE OF GOD YES!!"
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
On a scale from 1 to total dick, how inappropriate is it to pick your boyfriend up from rehab with a hangover?
My bed smells like the plague
Randomize
