I'm think I may have given your ex's number to a convicted sex offender.
Win!
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Ummm, my mojito just spilled on 2 essays as I'm grading. Who says high schoolers have all the fun?
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
Randomize
