Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
Come get your sister, she's waving a shoe about and threatened to "teabag the Shit" out of the doorman because she can't check the shoe in.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
Then you're three pancakes deep in regret.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Just got back from a Walmart run. The music went straight from Kid Rock to John Phillip Souza. If that doesn't scream 'MURICA I don't know what will. Happy 4th!
Randomize
