I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Whenever I miss you I just turn on Tool Academy
So gin and wine won't be happening again
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
I won't apologize to a one balled man
Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
I went in for a high five.. He went in for a kiss.. Today is a good day
Do you ever go take a shit and end up sitting on the toilet for like 45 minutes wondering what the fuck you're doing with your life?
Everyday my friend, everyday.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
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