my computer doesn't work...
why?
i puked on it last night
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
She told me I should be a condom model.
Dude she flew me 1000 miles down to see her, broke up with me 7 hrs after arrival, and kicked me out with a week left til I fly home. Thank god college taught me how to shack up
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
My ass is underappreciated
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
Then you got drunk and shit in her car. Nothing before that matters. She isn’t calling you back.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
Randomize
