I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
Just made gatorade. in the bathtub.
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I can coach you back to consumption. Think of it kinda like Rocky II.
I'm not wearing underwear, I started my period this morning, and it's super windy. Recipe for disaster?
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
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