If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
I blew him while he was standing up and he drooled on my head
He literally cocked blocked all the dudes that tried to talk to the girls he was with, and they all loved him.
Same guy who tossed the brunet over his shoulder as they left screaming "Bring me my lucky shovel!"
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
