So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
The compounded multi day delayed hangover hit me hard today, with a vengeance normally reserved for large objects that go in my ass. I don't feel good.
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
His mom let me come to his house for a Booty call at 4am. She even cooked us breakfast in the morning and told me im a better moaner than his girlfriend of 4yrs.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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