I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
But I am still fully ok with my life choices as long as the consequences aren't onesies and pacifiers
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
