first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
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