def just vomited mimosa in the gym trashcan. i weigh less already so i say its been a solid workout.
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Bring vodka when you get back from court.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
