i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
judging from the number of limes and box of kosher salt on the counter therell be 8.5 gallons of tequila drunk this weekend.
sounds about right
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
