I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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