We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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