Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
You asked me if you could throw up in my shoe.
THIS TIME TOMORROW MY VAG IS GONNA BE BRAND SPANKING NEW.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
Butt Stuff 2016 unites us all
I just want to say that I've always loved you and you are my best friend ever
You gave that creepy guy my number, didn't you? You really need to learn how to just say no, not interested.
Randomize
