I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
if only i could text you this smell
So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I tried to be mean but not so mean that he won't bone me next weekend
Randomize
