dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He was bigger soft than my ex was hard. A gold medal rebound.
You need Xanax blowdarts
He passed out in the car on the way to the party. Seabiscuit tripped before the race even started....Lil bitch....
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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