There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
Banned from zoo.
Again?
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I'm the catering manager, it's not my job to stop 2 teenagers from fucking in the bathroom. I couldn't bring myself to stop that sort of young romance anyway, that's what I pay you people for
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
First night in my new place, I had to get drunk to get used to the idea of shitting in a new toilet
Randomize
