Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
just took my birth control pill with a shamrock shake. happy st. patrick's day
Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
There is a limo involved. Man up, and make yourself puke. Its only one more night of blacking out.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
You just want to fuck a girl in a dinosaur costume, don't you?
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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