I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
well on the bright side, he charges $60 for an eighth
so he'll probably take me somewhere nice
Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.
Just realized these events may be related.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
If I hid at school to avoid the cops, is it fleeing and evading or just being a good student?
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
