Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
I just realized his fb pic was taken in a public bathroom.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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