I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He dropped me off at 4 in the morning because I made fun of Pearl Jam..
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I feel bad for her, but I feel like she's one of those resource-raping alien civilizations that visits planets, decimates them and then leaves. Those really aren't the qualities I appreciate in a friend. Ya know?
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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