there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
What ever happened to making out with a few boob grabs here and there?
The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
Let's just say my vagina is not superimpressed with the superintendent of schools.
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
You need to get out of there before he falls in love with you.
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