you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
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This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
Showerbowl immediately followed by pullups naked. I feel like fucking Tarzan
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
She wants me to spank her and yell "Kerry! Your father is disappointed with your choices!" Fuck up but crazy hot? Or just fuck up crazy?
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
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Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
I can't put those talents on a resume
I apparently asked the bartender for a plastic bag and told her I was gunna puke then grabbed two handles from the bar then put the handles in the plastic bag and left.....
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
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