omg i can't drink anymore.. i just pulled up my dress and started playing with my vagina
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard
Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Peeling duct tape off of my dick is definitely one of the stranger sensations that I've experienced.
Are you coming to the bday night? i'll be doing a life-like reenactment of traveling through Bonnie's vaginal canal and taking my first breath of life. Don't think you'll want to miss it.
I can bring a slip n slide and curtains.
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
I'm like going proud parent over you doing drugs, this is so wrong.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
I mean, I'm not upset that HE's getting married, I'm upset his penis has to go through with it by default
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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