Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
Leaving terminator. dude in front of us leaving was wearing a baggy micael vick jersey, cargo shorts and brown crocs. God I hate people.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.
Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.
It'll be a Christmas-Fucking-Miracle if we get through the ceremony without a groomsman vomming
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
Currently hot boxing a fort I made on our snow day... This is legendary
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
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