I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
At what point did you think the cops were actually coming to hang out with us
You cant hold me accountable for my actions when im high.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
