Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
i think im having one of those erections lasting four or more hours
if i dont get laid while im dressed as Tim Tebow, i'm just staying true to the costume.
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I can't believe he would be such an ass
Your boobs are way too big for you to be worrying about anything.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
all my friends are getting married and here i am in a committed relationship with rum
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