Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
DIBS ON THE NEW GUY.
NO. NO FUCKING YOUR COWORKERS
Too stoned. Randomly can't get the image of Emilio estevez's smiling face out of my head. What is life.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
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