So I finally got the Patron washed off my boobs.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
I'm too tired to go all the way tonight, especially if you're going to quote Katy Perry at me during
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
That sad moment when even your drug dealer lands a summer internship and you don't...
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
