Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
its like what part of i just threw up mcdonalds breakfast means i want to make out with you?
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Vom Wallet is no more. We now boldly enter a responsible, adult era where we will not throw up liquor onto ourselves.
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
I left my red butterfly dildo laying on my bedroom floor this morning....my landlord is currently showing the house to people. Fuck can't ever face him again.
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