Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
So at this point...I'm sure you heard the story about Saturday night
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Randomize
