why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.
you seemed to enjoy falling down hill
wow, never heard the last few months of my life put so succint
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
I'm going to smell of sex and shame.
How is that different than any other Monday night?
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
Randomize
