the condom got lost in my hair
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail
I prob couldn't even get his attention if I had a dick growing out of my forehead
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
