I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
He has jerked off in so many socks I am surprised he doesn't have athletes dick
We learned about herpes today in bio. I might as well have given the lecture
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now
She gave me a bj in her parent's kitchen while I ate the rest of her mom's birthday cake. Fuck. Yes.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...
I just scored a new eye doctor and a date all in one email. BOOM!
Btw had an awesome time last night. Found some blood on my shirt and ear but I'll chalk it up to the tequila shots.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
No more bourbon. Sleep now. I may die. Pray for me.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped