I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
you just used "cock block" and "youth group" in the same sentence. somethings wrong with you.
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
so i just realized i am an alcoholic. I was making some tomato soup because im still sick, and put vodka in it. sad huh? lets go out!
it was like having sex with a tree stump
he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
He's claiming he can open a beer bottle with anything. He's been trying for a while now with a power rangers action figure and he is just cutting the hell out of his hand. There is blood all over billy
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
Randomize
