Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Randomize
