Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Dude walks in wearing jean shorts and a graphic tshirt and goes home with an attractive female. EXPLAIN YOURSELF UNIVERSE.
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
He's asking how tall I am he wants to make a body suit out of me
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