Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
ah, there's nothing like waking up to picture messages of a strange man's cock. life is good.
haha, that's fucked up. flacid cock pictures are the mental breakfast of champions.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
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he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
Passed out on the bench in the men's bathroom. Feel much better now.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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