May have just accidentally purchased an iphone on Kate's credit card. This has potential to be bad.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I left your tip in your mailbox. Last night was amazing.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
you told me I was being patronizing because I didn't want you to run barefoot across a construction site
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I have standards. Maybe not when it comes to men.. but definitely when it comes to sex
i looked that guy up on facebook. the one who went down on me for two hours
what's the verdict
i've been scrubbing my vag all morning
Randomize
