i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Revelation of the day. Bulimia is dumb. Anorexia is easier.
You suck.
Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
Your mom can still drink beer standing on her head! Talk to you tomorrow :)
Mom wtf!?
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Maybe you should start carrying pepper spray. You are like the Justin Bieber of lesbians.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
That's the only way to watch Gumby. Either age 5 or high.
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