I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
I'm sick of being the only unemployed member of the group. Doing things alone isn't partying. Its sad.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
The first thing I did in 2015 was suck a dick.....so.....
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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