We're facebook friends in real life
Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.
Two?
Two.
our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
He ended our Skype call with, "I'm going to poop and then go play my ukulele in the park."
Got laid at work. Yes, AT work, why they let me run this tennis center by myself speaks to their poor judge of character.
I think we've reached the point in the summer were we need to go back to school. I was so bored yesterday I nearly bought blow dart gun.
Girl, we were harassing people from the top of a building. I don't know how I got down, but I'm eating chocolate cake in my kitchen. Sall good yo.
His dad and I had a drunk conversation about life. At 4 am he told me that I was 21 and cute and should fuck whoever I want.
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
