tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I know I say this every year but 2015 will be the year I finally have sex with David's sister
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
