I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
im destined to be single forever. i hope its okay if your kids come and hang out with my cats.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
He drunkenly stumbled over to me and told me my "crotch looks spectacular tonight"..... i think this could work
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
He told me that he's proud of our abnormalcy as a couple. I think it's the most romantic thing he's ever said.
I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.
If those panties could talk.
"Once upon a time, Jenny got chlamydia from a magician. The end."
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Just convinced the cute guy from class that I have prostate cancer. GET ME OUT OF THIS TOWN!
Randomize
